You know that feeling that you're inadequate?
I have that feeling. Everyday. I'm lonely, I'm tired, and I had a horrible headache today. School is not a fun place to have a headache.

I know other people suffer, and some find other people whining annoying. I do my part; I listen and comfort where possible. I think I've earned the right to complain. It's not my fault that some people don't want to tell me anything -- in fact, that hurts me. But I do the best I can, and that's all you can really ask of me.

That said, I don't know why my life sucks so much. I could say I'm a relatively good person. I don't judge by race or sexuality, I don't down other peoples religious beliefs(actually, I enjoy learning about them & finding all the points I agree with), and I usually try to help people and consider their perspective. But despite all that, I woke up to mom calling me a 'fucking bitch' today.

Because, apparently, no matter who I am or what I do, I am not good enough, simply by merit of being me. I don't have to do a thing to get cursed out.

I know some people will misjudge me; I try not to let that annoy me. But it's horrid to be treated like hell by those who supposedly know you the best -- family, friends, that sort of thing.

My mom, well, I've touched on that topic. She has little consideration for the feelings of others. Dad is a similar case, with a generous scoop of trouble expressing himself properly, sprinkled with biases. My friends, really, are no better, just less likely to kick the shit out of me verbally.

Some of them are cold -- were it not for being empathic and watching tiny facial changes, I might call them emotionless. I generally feel these people probably hate me, but it's rare that I vocalize this. I've had other friends dub these people a 'lost cause.' A long while back, Amaya made such a comment about Ben.
I'm not sure whether to defend him, or just agree with her. I can certainly see why she would think that.

Others, despite knowing for years, do not know me, and do not really grant me knowing them. I've had all sorts -- pathological people pleasers, people who are just outright paranoid of showing emotion, habitual liars, creepers and mistrustful bastards. You name a disorder, and one of my so-called friends has probably had it at some point in time. It varies. Depending on who it is and how they handle it, it can be accepted and the relationship not hindered badly by it. But most are oblivious to it. Most don't care. Many back away when something is too engrossing. Afraid of strong ties of any kind.

Of course, I've also had the kind who are my loyal friends.... When it's convenient for them. If it's not, well, I can prepare to have myself a new asshole ripped. No joke.

Is there any question why when quizzes ask something about a 'best friend,' I usually answer with "I don't have one"?

Along side that, many of the people I've known have died or moved far away. I have one real-life friend I have no qualms with, Ederik. Guess where he went? Japan. Other than that, the friends I don't have disorders with are all online friends -- Davy, Jaisia, Silvy, etc.
I live a pretty sad excuse for a life, honestly.

Alternatively, I ordered some CDs and books. That is like, the only thing I have to be happy about. Yeeeah, I know, I'm a loser.

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